The New God

[billy]

hi knot, thanks for the feedback, regarding some of your line change suggestions; the piece is supposed to be a sonnet so i'd have to keep the meter with any line or word changes. will look into what you say though.

Hi Billy,
nice idea but seems to lack a bit of focus (and bite),
especially the ending..


The New God.
- don't know that this does enough.


Will paradise abound in flames tonight
- maybe 'founder' or 'fall' (or 'drown') for 'abound' ?
as fire floods towards those pristine-gates?
- don't think 'pristine' works sufficiently
maybe 'towards twelve pearl gates' ?
Are ne'er-do-wells all getting better rates
- Like 'ne'er-do-wells' but are they really
the opposite of 'men of God'? Surely 'demons',
'devils' or even 'heretics'?
while men of God have given up the fight?
- should 'men' be 'Men' (also, 'souls of Man')?
Has Peter sunk into the wings of spite,
- any way to contract Peter to 'Pete'?
are he and "god the good" no longer mates?
- line feels a bit too long
(are the Lord and him no longer mates?)
and this Usurper of all gods; who waits
- not following this 'grammatically'; did you
mean to ask another question here?
till souls of man become his neophytes.

Make way for Don the self proclaimed; the man,
- bit of a mouthful, and I don't think it works/flows
that well.
who sells you gold but only gives you lead.
- just a suggestion:
Make way for Don, the Self Made Man
who sells you gold, but you buy lead.
While wanting walls, old orange-peel lays waste,
- again, mouthful, and overdone, I think. 'Don'
establishes the character, I don't think you need
to be quite this blunt.
to moralistic thoughts; you'd think him Klan.
Within him, kindness and contrition dead
along with truth, a "Billionaire" debased.
- I'm not sure how this returns one to the
'flames' of the opening. If you're going with
Klan (and why wouldn't you) then surely
you can burn a cross on god's lawn by way
of a close?


Hope this helps.

Best, Knot.



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