Greg's grebe (v.g)

[Richard]

Hey Ally,
This seems more concise than your last version, and I think it's just about done. The only question I think you need to deal with now is, are you happy with it? Anything else I could add would just be nitpicking now.

Nice work,
Richard

4th EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a little grebe
sailing across a lake
through clouds

:>)

3rd EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake
through clouds

:>)


2nd EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and to hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

:>)


1st EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
arms and legs splayed invitingly,
bodies well detailed.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.

:>)


Original:

Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –

miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image

But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –

a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds