11-20-2018, 05:20 PM
hello loboflo,
This is my first critique sorry if it isn't too good. I enjoyed your piece and it really struck a chord with me. I love the repeated question and ending with you answering it. I feel like some of the lines could be combined or edited a bit, I think it would really drive your point through a bit shorter direct sentencing. I also think when you read this piece you should gradually increase the intensity of your voice to convey your frustration or really drive home the "why is it" part. hope this helps in any way and I hope you keeping writing
This is my first critique sorry if it isn't too good. I enjoyed your piece and it really struck a chord with me. I love the repeated question and ending with you answering it. I feel like some of the lines could be combined or edited a bit, I think it would really drive your point through a bit shorter direct sentencing. I also think when you read this piece you should gradually increase the intensity of your voice to convey your frustration or really drive home the "why is it" part. hope this helps in any way and I hope you keeping writing