11-15-2018, 09:35 AM
good to see your poetry alex. some great imagery and i do like some of the en-jambs you have going on. i'm reading the piece as a metaphorical beginning for life [humankind]. sorry if i should've read it differently. reads as a solid sonnet. the rhyme scheme works well, not sure if the couplet should be a rhyming one, leanne's the one who'd know about that. all in all it's an enjoyable read.
(11-15-2018, 04:11 AM)alexorande Wrote: Beginners
Our feet are clumsy, borne on glitter glue good alliteration. great opening line, i'm taking born as being carried and not a birth
and sapped by views of vicious dragons made another solid image and alliteration.
from crayon wax, and we can't draw the blade the enjambment of this line and the one above works well.
our feral god with strong conviction drew. what feral god?
We flee and wander, lost and spellbound, through
the woods, disbanding slowly in the shade this and the line above are excellent, good en-jamb
of purple oaks and bushes. Though afraid,
this is adventure when it is most true. [when it is most true] feels forced in order to make up the meter.
God hunches, groans, and there’s a golden veil
blown from our footprints, leading us to where i like the en-jamb here, it ends as a question but ends as a statement
we learned to step as one and trust our eyes.
We thwarted thieves, imbibed the finest ale
with gnomes and ghostly knights, and now we tear,
on crayon dragonback, beyond the skies. would dragon-back work better,