Greg's grebe (v.g)

[Richard]

Hey Ally,
I've been looking this over through the edits and various critiques. I think you've improved this quite a bit from the original. I do have some thoughts though:

3rd EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage – -This first stanza is effective because it draws me, and makes me want to know where this poem is going.
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in. -I like the imagery here. To me, the first two stanzas create such a strange image in my mind that I can't help but like it.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and hide in bird-print robes, -This stanza does a good job of building to the image of the grebe.
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe – This is my biggest issue with the poem. Why "Greg"? Is there some sort of special meaning to this name that I'm missing? I would just say "he" instead.
 
a little grebe, -The grebe is an important image for the poem. However, I don't know if it warrants the use of repetition. Maybe think about combining these two stanzas and merging this line with the previous one? I'd be happier with the repetition if you used a stronger word than "little" to describe the grebe.
sailing across a lake
through clouds

:>)

2nd EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and to hide in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

:>)


1st EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
arms and legs splayed invitingly,
bodies well detailed.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.

:>)


Original:

Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –

miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image

But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –

a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds

Overall, I think you have done well working on this piece, and I look forward seeing where you go from here with it.

Thanks for the read,
Richard