Greg's grebe (v.g)

[billy]

hi Ally; two small nits to look at or leave; they don't affect the poem that much but their removal might be a final tighten. the 2 stanza reads much better. i like how you turn the player into what seems like a proud father. well done on the edits.

2nd EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and to hide in bird-print robes, no need for [to]
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds is the [the] really necessary?

:>)

1st EDIT

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
 
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
arms and legs splayed invitingly,
bodies well detailed.
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.

:>)

Original:

Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –

miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image

But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –

a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds