11-09-2018, 09:47 PM
Hi Ally,
I think you've lost something from s2,
(the relation to sexual conquests) -
maybe reinstate the previous
arms and legs splayed ? - the images seem
more reminiscent of school (crocodiles of
children).
The 'correctly coloured in' with its conformity
and control is a real improvement.
Should the start be 'sexual conquests were'
or 'sexual conquest was' ?
s3 - maybe 'hidden in' for 'and to hide' ?
Still think 'sailing' implies 'smoothly' but ...
(won't mention it again
)
Best, Knot.
.
I think you've lost something from s2,
(the relation to sexual conquests) -
maybe reinstate the previous
arms and legs splayed ? - the images seem
more reminiscent of school (crocodiles of
children).
The 'correctly coloured in' with its conformity
and control is a real improvement.
Should the start be 'sexual conquests were'
or 'sexual conquest was' ?
s3 - maybe 'hidden in' for 'and to hide' ?
Still think 'sailing' implies 'smoothly' but ...
(won't mention it again
)Best, Knot.
.