11-04-2018, 01:27 PM
this was one of my first sonnets. i never did do an edit on it even a small edit. thankfully those who left feedback are still here [leanne, addy, heslopian] thank you and sorry. the main sticking point was L4 in the first four lines. a good while ago i learned that iambic pentameter can have variations, based on this and on the advice of addy and Leanne. thanks girls.
1st edit [a small one]
The clouds labour, breaking waters thunder--
Umbrellas set by summer’s warming hand
fail, and sodden branches buckle under
dark sky-born birth, tethered to the land.
My feet follow muddy scar tissue down
a well trodden track, sided by granite,
and weeping spruce. Foliage bends to ground;
burdened with God’s tears, in declining light.
Forest odours; old burnt toast and leaf mold
almost deny a hint of juniper
and wild berries with hardy thorns, to scold
the unwary woodsman or hiker.
Red deer shelter near an aspen-faced blind.
Startled they bolt, all except the dead hind.
1st edit [a small one]
The clouds labour, breaking waters thunder--
Umbrellas set by summer’s warming hand
fail, and sodden branches buckle under
dark sky-born birth, tethered to the land.
My feet follow muddy scar tissue down
a well trodden track, sided by granite,
and weeping spruce. Foliage bends to ground;
burdened with God’s tears, in declining light.
Forest odours; old burnt toast and leaf mold
almost deny a hint of juniper
and wild berries with hardy thorns, to scold
the unwary woodsman or hiker.
Red deer shelter near an aspen-faced blind.
Startled they bolt, all except the dead hind.