10-31-2018, 11:55 PM
Hi Ally,
enjoyed the read, though I think I prefer the earlier version.
Not a fan of the title, doesn't give me much to think about
as a reader, and makes little contribution to the piece.
V1: The lack of context makes this a bit uninvolving for me.
Don't know Greg, so have no way of knowing whether his
'subject' is revelatory, or predictable, but the behaviour is
interesting.
[All] Throughout high dosage,
his subject was sexual conquests –
V2: I agree with billy about 'miles long', why not 'endless'?
Given these, as you said, are 'doll chains' I think 'splayed'
works well.
I liked 'explicitly coloured', but 'well detailed' seems very
flat (why not 'anatomically correct', or similar?).
endless doll chains, limbs splayed,
explicitly coloured, anatomically correct.
V3: I think this is the weakest verse. Though if it turns
out that 'medium ground' is the correct technical term I'll
have to rethink. It seems incongruous between 'high dosage'
and '5 milligrams', not to mention 'lake'.
I'm not sure how 'dwindle' gets one to 'grebe'.
Not ready to buy the 'bird-print robes' just yet.
The might get from 'sexual' to 'grebe' but I don't
see how they arise from either 'bodies well detailed'
or 'explicitly coloured'.
But as medium ground approached
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
V4: As a transition to V5 this works fine.
and today, at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –
I do wonder, to whom is Greg presenting the grebe.
V5: I like this, as a verse and as an ending, (the image of
the clouds reflected in the water is very nice) but I've no idea
how it relates to 'sexual conquests'. Is there some grebe
behavioural fact that explains it?
'Sailing' is fine, I think, but do you then need 'smoothly'?
[one] little grebe, sailing across a lake
paddling through the clouds.
Liked these wiki facts:
Although [grebes] can run for a short distance, they are
prone to falling over, since they have their feet placed far
back on the body.
and that they are related to flamingos.
Now idea how either relate to your piece though (but 'prone
to falling over' had potential, I think)
Best, Knot.
enjoyed the read, though I think I prefer the earlier version.
Not a fan of the title, doesn't give me much to think about
as a reader, and makes little contribution to the piece.
V1: The lack of context makes this a bit uninvolving for me.
Don't know Greg, so have no way of knowing whether his
'subject' is revelatory, or predictable, but the behaviour is
interesting.
[All] Throughout high dosage,
his subject was sexual conquests –
V2: I agree with billy about 'miles long', why not 'endless'?
Given these, as you said, are 'doll chains' I think 'splayed'
works well.
I liked 'explicitly coloured', but 'well detailed' seems very
flat (why not 'anatomically correct', or similar?).
endless doll chains, limbs splayed,
explicitly coloured, anatomically correct.
V3: I think this is the weakest verse. Though if it turns
out that 'medium ground' is the correct technical term I'll
have to rethink. It seems incongruous between 'high dosage'
and '5 milligrams', not to mention 'lake'.
I'm not sure how 'dwindle' gets one to 'grebe'.
Not ready to buy the 'bird-print robes' just yet.
The might get from 'sexual' to 'grebe' but I don't
see how they arise from either 'bodies well detailed'
or 'explicitly coloured'.
But as medium ground approached
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
V4: As a transition to V5 this works fine.
and today, at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –
I do wonder, to whom is Greg presenting the grebe.
V5: I like this, as a verse and as an ending, (the image of
the clouds reflected in the water is very nice) but I've no idea
how it relates to 'sexual conquests'. Is there some grebe
behavioural fact that explains it?
'Sailing' is fine, I think, but do you then need 'smoothly'?
[one] little grebe, sailing across a lake
paddling through the clouds.
Liked these wiki facts:
Although [grebes] can run for a short distance, they are
prone to falling over, since they have their feet placed far
back on the body.
and that they are related to flamingos.
Now idea how either relate to your piece though (but 'prone
to falling over' had potential, I think)
Best, Knot.