Greg's grebe (v.g)

[billy]

Hi Ally here's my take.

i put the original in with the edit for comparison, hope you don't mind

1st EDIT:

Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage – for me this line makes me think viagra. i can't help myself
 
miles-long displays of paper dolls, [i don't think miles-long adds much/enough to be included, a suggestion would be myriad or some other word] the rest is a great image
arms and legs splayed invitingly, for me it would work better without "legs splayed"
bodies well detailed. feels a bit formal
 
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress no need for and
in bird-print robes, nice image
 
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe – for some reason i like greg
 
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.this last stanza is good as is love the image of the reflected clouds.

original:

Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –

miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image

But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –

a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds