Gone (Revision)

[Todd]

Hi Todd,
you seem to have revised it into two separate pieces
(though I suppose 'pull back the curtain' may connect
them) - and I think the first is the more successful
'The hours drag the rivers' would make for a better
title than 'gone'.

She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,                    - not sure of the em dash.
she doesn’t come back.

You pull back the curtain                                 - don't think you need the comma. (Maybe cut 'you'?)
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back           - I think you could elaborate on whatever sounds
to your husband who pushes                             the 'hungry night' makes.
food around his plate until                               - change 'until' to 'as/while' to avoid the repetition.
everything grows cold.                                   - much stronger ending.

Not sure about 'your husband', would it still work as
...................................... only to turn back
to him, pushing his food around [the] plate
while everything grows cold ?


The 'second' seems rather lightweight in comparison.


Best, Knot.

Hi Knot, thanks for the return look. I'll remove the comma. I think I"m going to restructure the middle slightly (not worth a full revision--just an edit. I'm not leaning toward changing the title at this point but I see where you're coming from. It's surprising to me that you got a lightweight read when the content is largely unchanged. That's fine though maybe the slight shift will bring it back some. Either way, I do appreciate the comments. Thanks, Todd