hi and thanks ally, your feedback is fine, it gets easier the more you do it. where do you suggest the hyphens go? will sort out the double spaces and think about the simile prefix. will look at the comma you mentioned in the next edit. thanks for the feedback and for taking the time to give it. 
(10-26-2018, 02:52 AM)Ally Wrote: Hi Billy,
I'm not sure whether I should be in 'Mild to moderate', but I figured you could just bin this post if it's not up to standard :-)
This poem is very vivid, which I like. The honesty of the narrator holds a lot of charm. It's a messy time. The enjambements feel natural, and the metaphors enhance the description (sometimes metaphors confuse me, so this is a good thing!).
I'd suggest a comma in place of the semi-colon at the end of stanza 1 line 2, just because I think this would help with the flow.
How do you feel about attributive hyphens? There are places where one could be inserted, but not if you prefer to eschew them as a general rule.
There are double spaces here and there, but this is small stuff really. I'm not even sure whether I should mention it; I'm happy not to, ever again, if it annoys!
In place of 'like she were', perhaps you could consider 'as though she were'? This would be a variation on 'like', which is used in S1. (Small stuff again.)
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. It's sort of disgustingly jubilant, which is cool.
Best wishes,
Ally