10-22-2018, 10:24 PM
Hi Richard
September Snow
Works much better with this
as the title.
A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars
as an early winter prepares
to bury dead leaves.
L3-4 seem a bit clumsy,
and I miss the 'storm'. Maybe
an early winter storm
buries dead leaves. ?
North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze here,
even when insulated by layers
I think you could leave a space here.
Not sure if 'by layers' does enough
(it's rather implied by insulated)
Or perhaps it's just the 'when' that's
unnecessary?
(no matter how many layers ?)
Just a different take on the ending
(I think you need to return to 'your')
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
[your un]mittened [fingers]
[are] still [so] cold.
Best, Knot.
.
September Snow
Works much better with this
as the title.
A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars
as an early winter prepares
to bury dead leaves.
L3-4 seem a bit clumsy,
and I miss the 'storm'. Maybe
an early winter storm
buries dead leaves. ?
North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze here,
even when insulated by layers
I think you could leave a space here.
Not sure if 'by layers' does enough
(it's rather implied by insulated)
Or perhaps it's just the 'when' that's
unnecessary?
(no matter how many layers ?)
Just a different take on the ending
(I think you need to return to 'your')
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
[your un]mittened [fingers]
[are] still [so] cold.
Best, Knot.
.