First Edit: Remoteness/September Snow

[billy]

just giving feedback on the edit without reading the original. over all it was an good read with some good images. i think it needs a stronger ending, i'd also like to feel more of the love or want in the poem.

September Snow

A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars
as an early winter prepares not sure [as] is needed, keep it tight
to bury dead leaves.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze here, is [here] needed as we can assume it's in the north
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold. really like this and the line above. great image
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing, a suggestion would be [the pressure of a kiss.]
my mittened hands
still cold. feels a little forced. for me, this line needs more, maybe another line to qualify the statement.

Original:

Remoteness

Snow in September,
a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares
to bury the dead colours
of autumn.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands lonely. for me, this line needs more, maybe another line to qualify the statement.