10-21-2018, 10:16 PM
Delightful - as only a dad (or granddad) could find it. On minimal reading, a few comments only -
, er, them.
(10-21-2018, 12:38 PM)billy Wrote: After Dinner Naps nice, sets up the point which the ending makes while also implying this is a repeated eventLoved it, er, her
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime. ambiguity - at this point she could just be a meth addict (good ambiguity)
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table. "small" - now we're coming into focus
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played I think Shrek-world ogres are gendered, but get the point
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face I believe the word is "retched"
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a slit throat. a l-i-t-t-l-e edgy there
Gooey fists slapped my ears, "punched" to go with "fists?" Also, "fistsslapped" makes me go Daffy Duck when reading aloud
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder, less edgy, but still...
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper. will this make sense in 10 years?
I joined her soft snoozes with my own; maybe an em dash, but not a strong recommendation. Colon too obvious.
two happy dozing monsters. perfect ending
, er, them.
Non-practicing atheist

