First Edit: Remoteness/September Snow

[RiverNotch]

Remoteness The title here being a little more nondescript.

Snow in September, Too much of a start? Then again, snow's rare in the early months, right? Still, with the others' notes, I'm compelled to ask that "September" be shifted, and "Snow" be cut out...
a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares ...especially with "a storm" having potential to carry that verse-setting sense of whiteness.
to bury the dead colours
of autumn. To elaborate, the line break is good for the sonic rhythm, the former line would be too long with "of autumn" so appended, but not so good for the thought-rhythm, "of autumn" on its own is a pretty blank line. I wouldn't condense the previous line, though -- "dead colours" sorta captivates -- so maybe paint a brief, one-line portrait of autumn?

The piece really does take off by the second stanza. "North is not a place / for love poems" is seductive, I think, because it's so confident in being an epigram, while the rest, although I could imagine them being carried by those opening two lines alone, bear their own weight. I don't think it's an entirely impossible task to tease apart what makes this piece's greater half work, it's not a long passage, but I don't think it's entirely necessary too, especially as the style is a little distinct from its less graceful elder brother.

Perhaps it would be helpful to point out that the stanza's second sentence cascades, "layers" being the titillating setup to the layers of skin peeling from chapped lips, lips stuck together for more than three minutes, lips one's "mittened hands" are restrained from mock-fingering --- but if the first stanza does the same, the power of the second stanza would be greatly diminished, and so too if that stanza is just cut outright.

Ah, well, I suppose you've enough notes to work with, and overall I think the piece has got a strong-enough first draft (or at least first draft here posted). Lovely work.