10-18-2018, 10:45 AM
hi nozaki. it could be just me but the first half line makes me want to stop reading as i automatically asume it's going to be a woe is me cutting poem. after that it's not a cutting poem i see. the first line is very important is keeping the reader connected to the poem. for me the poem starts weakly. it reads well from "the violence films" for me that's the real start of the poem i think you trim a little fat off, [unnecessary words] the last two lines of the 1st stanza could do with a good image/simile in order to bulk it out.
(10-18-2018, 09:18 AM)nozaki Wrote: cuts, scabbing into lines of poetry: the violence films
my lips as I search for the words to rip no need for [the]
the creativity out of you. it would be art only
if I stepped back, but for what would you flourish?
bruises open like wine on your cheeks.
so loving you is so much harder than knowing is [so] needed
that I just do. already angry that we've outgrown
each other, I call only to hear you care
enough to ask why. this,
this
lack of sense,
is an example of gambling done wrong. done wrong or gone wrong?
it's a hazard, the hearts-
the lives, the chips-
when we run out,
all we can do
is bet on
more.