green green

[billy]

watch out for repetition. the [ah] isn't helping the poem much and too many greens. though you have some good imagery, i'm struggling to put them all together, the images need tying together.

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines [dripped] it's past tense good opening image.
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon

ah, the sea got stormy today

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage,
and a green coluber in the sea of green

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice