Window Crack

[Todd]

Hi Fae,

I just want to focus on one basic idea. When you're reading this out loud place a half beat after each unpunctuated linebreak. I'd ask you how that sounds to your ear. Each line needs to hold its own and I don't know if that's entirely happening here.

I think as lines go you also want to consider leading with your most interesting line. For me, that would mean starting the poem here:

You could almost
twirl the humidity
around your finger
and eat it like
cotton candy

This is a fun sequence. Breaking on almost does next to nothing for you same with breaking on like. You have options there's not only one way to do it. Here's an example of another approach:

You could almost twirl 
the humidity around 
your finger and eat it 
like cotton candy

You could also go for longer lines which could also shift the emphasis:

You could almost twirl the humidity 
around your finger and eat it 
like cotton candy

or even:

You could almost twirl the humidity around 
your finger and eat it like cotton candy

all of those have a different appeal. I would just encourage you to reconsider your lines and their breaks. I think there are some missed opportunities here. If you think of each line as a standalone element and a part of the larger whole, it might take you to some interesting places.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

His window
Slightly cracked
He sat alone
And he listened.

You could almost
twirl the humidity
around your finger
and eat it like
cotton candy

The mustard sky
loomed above the
fields, static
building with
opressive gloom

The sun soaked
pavement thirstily
drinks the cascade
screaming with relief
after weeks ablaze

Quietly he sighed
as the rain fell
to earth like marble
sized meteorites
onto dead grass

-----

That's all I got so far. I kinda like this. Interesting ideas, no?