Stranded

[Fae]

Hi Fae,

You have distinct images here of the sweater and the car, and while both can draw upon the title (sweater in its construction, car in its immobility). I'm not entirely sold on the combination. I don't find that each object plays off of the other enough to be satisfying. The opening with perplexed and beautiful reads a bit too abstract to draw me in. I would consider cutting the first two strophes and making the poem be your current S3 and S4. I think that is where your poem truly starts and I also find it more interesting from a content and execution perspective. I don't take any issue with your choices of phrasing. My critique is mostly focused on the blend of images not working well together (from my perspective) and the opening possibly moving to a different point in a new condensed poem.

Just a thought. 

Best,

Todd

Hello, Todd.

Thank you for confirming what I suspected, I kind of felt as if I was writing two poems at the time and I kind of cobbled them together in a way that was kind of messy. What I'm likely going to do now is use S1 and S2 to create a seperate poem, and maybe make the first stanza a bit more concrete in relation to the second one. I definetly think the latter half of the poem has the strength to work on it's own, what I think was happening when I wrote the first half was me working towards coming up with a good metaphor, which I managed to in the second - I tend to work in a very stream of conciousness type of way, so sometimes I jump from one idea to another in very quick succession, which may explain why it's kind of turned out like two poems I've presented as one. Your comment has been extremely helpful and now I actually have more material to work with!

With gratitude,

Fae.