08-11-2018, 04:42 AM
Hey Leanne, replies in blue below
-- if I were you I'd re-examine the punctuation here, because it gets a bit tricky to follow. This comma seems like it should be a semi-colon, for example, but then you've got the semi-colon later and it's all messed up. I agree. So much so, that I'm actually thinking about reworking this whole octave, because this sentence here is mainly where the octave gets its structure from. I've already started it and so far, I think I'm liking it more. I'm just having trouble with the final three lines...
"O, how I wish" -- such filler, such cliche. You only have a few lines to work with, so wasting them like this is dreadful. It is pretty cliche. Will do some rewording.
nice imagery, really good for the volta. In fact, I wish these lines were your openers for the sextet, slightly reworked, to give the right amount of contrast. Agree, but as boring as it sounds, the volta was supposed to be a departure from the objective narration of the octave to something more genuine and subjective. The imagery provided here is what concludes the poem and what almost instantaneously solves the narrator's desire.
"joke under" throws me out of the piece, with its harsh tones. Perhaps "laugh beneath"? Good suggestion, don't know why I haven't thought of it.
I am not getting a strong close from this line. I think the idea is right but the execution needs work. "and then" is again quite a filler. It is the right idea. Hopefully when I get to restructuring the sestet I can come up with something else.
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback
Best, Alex
-- if I were you I'd re-examine the punctuation here, because it gets a bit tricky to follow. This comma seems like it should be a semi-colon, for example, but then you've got the semi-colon later and it's all messed up. I agree. So much so, that I'm actually thinking about reworking this whole octave, because this sentence here is mainly where the octave gets its structure from. I've already started it and so far, I think I'm liking it more. I'm just having trouble with the final three lines...
"O, how I wish" -- such filler, such cliche. You only have a few lines to work with, so wasting them like this is dreadful. It is pretty cliche. Will do some rewording.
nice imagery, really good for the volta. In fact, I wish these lines were your openers for the sextet, slightly reworked, to give the right amount of contrast. Agree, but as boring as it sounds, the volta was supposed to be a departure from the objective narration of the octave to something more genuine and subjective. The imagery provided here is what concludes the poem and what almost instantaneously solves the narrator's desire.
"joke under" throws me out of the piece, with its harsh tones. Perhaps "laugh beneath"? Good suggestion, don't know why I haven't thought of it.
I am not getting a strong close from this line. I think the idea is right but the execution needs work. "and then" is again quite a filler. It is the right idea. Hopefully when I get to restructuring the sestet I can come up with something else.
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback
Best, Alex