Syndicated - Edit 1 (Formerly Caramelized)

[alonso ramoran]

Hey Wjames,

I'm still trying to figure out what is "Caramelized" about this poem. I'm thinking of a burning sweetness that is coating something raw in a metaphorical sense or just in the plain literal sense as a cooking technique, but I could find neither. Your poem is well written and delightful to read, but I did find a few blemishes. Comments below

Those seconds that you took I'd reword this line as "You took the seconds", otherwise this sentence, in spite of not ending with a period, reads as incomplete. I'd also maybe add something to this line to give it more meat if you go with "You took the seconds". If you wish to complete the sentence and stick with what you already wrote in this line, I'd suggest revisiting the subject of those seconds after the sequence of L3-6, then ending the sentence there. Then you could rewrite L7-8 as another sentence or a clause.
from the fruit bowl and the clock
as I thumbed inside my pocket I don't know if searching through your pocket can be done with only your thumbs
for a lighter and the keys,
all jangled and metallic I think "jangling" would work better and I'd omit "all"
and pretending to be iron
as I walked toward the door Comma at beginning?
with no goodbye Period at the end?

I wonder if the party ever stopped,
or if it just begins again each night I'd omit "just"
as I drink too much and watch reruns
of Seinfeld without laughing
at Jerry’s hollow stabs at love.

Best, Alex