Florida Girl (Edit 1)

[Knot]

Hey Eliza.

Edit 1.

S1
Day-old plazas
appear classic at sunset,
- Nice image, but 'classical' for classic?
crumbling docks
perched at water's edges, resting sleepy and uneasy
- perhaps 'rest' for resting'

S2.
Weakest verse still. Obviously just me,
but I don't think it add anything.
(Reads like an alternate ending)

S3
Unchanging, you are, as the Florida fall:
- I find the syntax a bit intrusive, a bit harsh.
Even 'You are as unchanging as the Florida fall:'
seems to flow a bit smoother.
making a season from scratch
- really nice change! Lifts the whole verse up.

S4
who, too, roll in around this time.
- don't think 'too' works.
(Bit close to, 'they do too roll in')

S5
but just for now,
rain-smacked mud puddles
- perhaps
but for now, just ?

S6
As with all the verses, I don't think you're
making the most of your line breaks, and
the switches from the (very) long lines
to the one or two word ones are visually
unappealing (somewhat ragged), to me
at least.

All that said, I enjoyed the read, and
again I agree with duke, you've improved
the piece.


Best, Knot