Demi

[Knot]

Hi Todd,
nice affective piece.
Loses its way a bit towards the end,
I think, but you've managed to avoid
overly sentimentalising, which works
well.

Demi

I imagine you with your eyes closed,
face smooth and unconcerned. You are young
- why not cut 'you are'? (also 'and').
Aren't 'face smooth' and 'unconcerned' a bit close
to synonyms in the context?
enough to be my daughter.

I imagine you still younger
- ',younger still,'?
in a long black shirt, sleeves pulled down
nearly to your fingertips, hiding
- cut 'nearly', it spoils the line, for me?
a crisscross of white scars.
- I don't think you need this line, it
is implied and stating it seems predictable.

Now older and still hiding
- The omission of 'I imagine'
is noticeable, perhaps,
Older now and hiding still, I imagine
veins collapsed, a line
of bee stings --
collapsed veins, that line
of bee stings—
- Either 'bee stings' (nice) or
a 'potholed road' but not both.
your arms
a potholed road. If you can’t see,
then maybe you have control.
- I think you need to build on
veins/stings, the speculation
about control seem to come
out of nowhere, and is rather
weak.

I cannot imagine you older
than you are.
- the reaction of N to this
is missing, which seems odd
(particularly after the mention
of 'daughter' earlier)
Your life
is a track repeating
- is the weak (drug) pun
'track' intentional? It feels
a bit clichéd now, where it
was fresh (and sincere) before.
on a record forever. I imagine

you with your eyes closed.
- not sure it should be by itself,
but it's a good ending.


Best, Knot.