07-26-2018, 04:58 AM
Hi Todd, it has been a long time and I have gone for a friendly face in the crowd to get me started. very rusty, so please excuse any obvious critique bloopers here. (I feel like a newbie 
)
Overall great but I felt like there was quite a lot of extra words in this one and a couple of clunky lines.
)Overall great but I felt like there was quite a lot of extra words in this one and a couple of clunky lines.
(07-25-2018, 11:50 PM)Todd Wrote: I imagine you with your eyes closed, good opening and second line detail. Managed to convey youth and innocence with a darker sub text.hopefully not gibberish. AJ.
face smooth and unconcerned. You are young Almost felt like I didn't need the you are (but on the fence about this)
enough to be my daughter.
I imagine you still younger ? still younger or younger still
in a long black shirt, sleeves pulled down I stumbled on the sleeves pulled down. I like the image which I read as insecurity, but the pulled made the line feel too long, perhaps ,sleeves nearly
down to your fingertips
nearly to your fingertips, hiding
a crisscross of white scars. solid image but crisscross reads as a tired word choice. (But it is delicious to say!)
Now older and still hiding Don't need the and.
collapsed veins, that line
of bee stings—your arms
a potholed road. If you can’t see,
then maybe you have control. I kept reading then for them This stanza feels like the whole poem, lovely.
I cannot imagine you older Struggled most with this whole stanza.
than you are. Your life Don't like the use of than you are and the repeat of you so close. ? I cannot imagine you
any older. Your life
is a track repeating
on a record forever. I imagine I liked the introduction of the new image of a damaged record caught in the scratch groove, but there is something off in the delivery I can't quite work out.
you with your eyes closed. Love the repeat line and the line spacing works well here to build on the image of a life on the tracks leading to an end stopped siding.