07-20-2018, 10:53 PM
hi dukealien,
Thanks so much for your feedback! I definitely see what you are saying about the jumbled rhythm, it's something I struggle with in longer poems (which I rarely write so it's funny this one got away from me like this). And the last line is what I want in my *mind* but agreed that it's not satisfying spoken aloud. Going to work on re-structuring some things and hopefully update with an edited version in a bit!
Thanks so much for your feedback! I definitely see what you are saying about the jumbled rhythm, it's something I struggle with in longer poems (which I rarely write so it's funny this one got away from me like this). And the last line is what I want in my *mind* but agreed that it's not satisfying spoken aloud. Going to work on re-structuring some things and hopefully update with an edited version in a bit!