forgotten song

[bogpan]

ay ay ay the colors--ay seems juvenile in contrast to the opening lines, an awkward evocation of... what exactly

boys throw the shirts
river noise--interesting way to present this thought. i do think you could improve river noise however.

everything is so wonderful
when the stars are big--this "juvenility" is well-placed, i like its nuance.
and clear the paths of young blood--like the thought, but grammatically doesn't connect to the last line?
ah, gypsy
the fish floats on my wrist
in the fine rain of my eyes--hmm, i like these lines

my forgotten song – Andalusia--last line seems unnecessary, why not just cut it?

overall, a good mood setter... thanks for the read.

ay seems juvenile in contrast to the opening lines, an awkward evocation of... what exactly
I do not know what to understand here? I can only give you an analogue.
"Now in Vienna there's ten pretty women There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry There's a lobby with nine hundred windows There's a tree where the doves go to die There's a piece that was torn from the morning And it hangs in the Gallery of Frost
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay"
F.G. Lorka
for the other notes I should think about. Thank you for the feedback!

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in the hot nights of Andalusia                      
the moon shines in the bull’s sweaty back
ay ay ay the colors                                         well sounded lines,

boys throw the shirts
river noise                                                   

everything is so wonderful
when the stars are big                                     simple description creates empty space for the mind
and clear the paths of young blood
ah, gypsy
the fish floats on my wrist                               this creates a panorama out of a mural
in the fine rain of my eyes

my forgotten song – Andalusia

I always love the ode" in poetry, the homage, the celebration of an ideal

"this creates a panorama out of a mural"

perfect observation! Thanks a lot for feedback!