07-15-2018, 11:23 PM
Thanks for the feedback! This is a tough one. I attempted to really lean in on abstract thoughts, reducing imagery in some parts and just letting the stodgy rhythm of jargon speak for itself; it's that first action i might have slipped up with, as alexorande noted. Of course, a much bigger problem with this is just how good my thoughts are on the first place, if they're strong or novel enough to withstand being bared in such a piece in the first place. Anyway, more specific responses.
alexorande --- you've got better observations on how i should structure this than i had while mulling over the unpublished version. i wrote the ending in a very different state of mind than from when i wrote the three quatrains. i agree that i could have done better with the "blossoming", and that a stronger substitute is needed for the Greek, and not just in wording. though i do think "with your red hair and my rough chin / wordlessly crying out", because of its utter strangeness and its connection to the previous sentiments, is worth keeping.
thunderembargo --- see, the goal of this piece is in large part to be ridiculous, but to be serious in its ridiculousness, and at any rate, if i'm reading your crit right, some of your attempts at humor don't really work. if all you got from the piece is the ridiculousness, fine, but i can't take your crit with much good faith if you don't take the piece with the same. that, or you really think i'm that knowledgeable, which i might be, but the point is your crit needs more elaboration.
accapella --- welcome to the site! i'll think about your suggestions on how to make this that much punchier.
alexorande --- you've got better observations on how i should structure this than i had while mulling over the unpublished version. i wrote the ending in a very different state of mind than from when i wrote the three quatrains. i agree that i could have done better with the "blossoming", and that a stronger substitute is needed for the Greek, and not just in wording. though i do think "with your red hair and my rough chin / wordlessly crying out", because of its utter strangeness and its connection to the previous sentiments, is worth keeping.
thunderembargo --- see, the goal of this piece is in large part to be ridiculous, but to be serious in its ridiculousness, and at any rate, if i'm reading your crit right, some of your attempts at humor don't really work. if all you got from the piece is the ridiculousness, fine, but i can't take your crit with much good faith if you don't take the piece with the same. that, or you really think i'm that knowledgeable, which i might be, but the point is your crit needs more elaboration.
accapella --- welcome to the site! i'll think about your suggestions on how to make this that much punchier.