Pastoral
#4
(07-07-2018, 10:19 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Pastoral
An excellent tittle I think.

A world without language, without context, I would leave out "without language' as the poem as a whole conveys that without stating it outright. 
Without hidden messages, meanings too complex,
A world of pure creation: a countryside Great. fits nicely with the pastoral , idealized theme
Ready for harvest, a clasping hand "harvest '  does not fit here in my opinion . I don't see how harvesting could be a creative act or one without context of  background. Maybe replace this with "sowing" or leave it out and make this line just "a clasping hand"
Thrust out of fear and fire, out of darkness and delight
(Abstractions from the past, cliched metaphors)
Time and space contracting to exclude memory,
To exclude anxiety: to include only creation.  Nice shift to a cosmic landscape

Only the archetypal details shall remain relevant
Not as archetypes (for there shall be no arche) but as subjects
In and of themselves, hypostases within one and without one, Again, I would remove some words here"subjects in and of themselves" is not necessary.
All communication as pure thought, pure feeling, pure action, Maybe just "all communication pure"

Points blossoming into lines, your red hair and my rough chin
Wordlessly crying out, "Genetheto phos!" This ties it together nicely, but I would remove "wordlessly". 
I love the concept of this poem- if I'm reading it correctly- the reference to pastorals and the notion that while the pure, unhindered communication conveyed is ideal, all ideals are ultimately false. I think cutting it down a bit as I've noted above could give it more power.
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Messages In This Thread
Pastoral - by RiverNotch - 07-07-2018, 10:19 PM
RE: Pastoral - by alonso ramoran - 07-08-2018, 12:10 AM
RE: Pastoral - by Thunderembargo - 07-08-2018, 02:12 AM
RE: Pastoral - by Acappella - 07-12-2018, 12:51 PM
RE: Pastoral - by RiverNotch - 07-15-2018, 11:23 PM
RE: Pastoral - by alonso ramoran - 08-10-2018, 12:27 AM
RE: Pastoral - by RiverNotch - 08-17-2018, 06:09 PM
RE: Pastoral - by Wjames - 09-15-2018, 08:30 AM
RE: Pastoral - by Knot - 09-15-2018, 11:09 PM
RE: Pastoral - by RiverNotch - 09-19-2018, 06:20 PM



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