07-10-2018, 03:42 AM
Hi dukealien,
Thank you for your feedback. The problem and solution was supposed to be more of a shift in tone and perspective in the sonnet; I'm not sure if that usually suffices when writing one of these. The octave was supposed to have a more objective view of the two "strangers" but after realizing something, the N expresses desire in the sestet which enables them to live in that moment once again.
I agree with your comments on the rhymes and the way the piece flows. "Clay" does seem out of place; I'm looking for a word or phrase that expresses a material being given to create art. I think the word for that though is simply "inspiration". However, this poem is for a collection I'm working on, where the mention of clay is one of the leitmotifs. Out of context, I completely agree that this seems to hurt the sonnet. I don't know though, I'm pretty sure that, even in the context of my collection, it sticks out like a sore thumb. I'll more than likely work to change the phrasing.
Best, Alex
Thank you for your feedback. The problem and solution was supposed to be more of a shift in tone and perspective in the sonnet; I'm not sure if that usually suffices when writing one of these. The octave was supposed to have a more objective view of the two "strangers" but after realizing something, the N expresses desire in the sestet which enables them to live in that moment once again.
I agree with your comments on the rhymes and the way the piece flows. "Clay" does seem out of place; I'm looking for a word or phrase that expresses a material being given to create art. I think the word for that though is simply "inspiration". However, this poem is for a collection I'm working on, where the mention of clay is one of the leitmotifs. Out of context, I completely agree that this seems to hurt the sonnet. I don't know though, I'm pretty sure that, even in the context of my collection, it sticks out like a sore thumb. I'll more than likely work to change the phrasing.
Best, Alex