06-13-2018, 10:13 PM
Hi WG,
enjoyed the read.
Laredo, Texas.
It always feels like sunday here.
That slow air so hot you can’t even think.
Good start (capital S for Sunday)
All the hotels are empty save for lost families
and cheating husbands.
the whole verse is a good set-up.
You might want to consider smoothing it out,
for instance:
It always feels like Sunday here.
[The] slow air so hot you can’t even think
and [every] hotel empty, [except for the]lost
families and cheating husbands.
We hide from la llorona, her horrific grieving
(Capitals for a name). 'her horrific grieving'
isn't telling me anything. In what way 'horrific'?
Also, it is implicit in the legend, so you don't really
need to repeat it.
body grazing the night fed streets like the slowest fire.
don't follow 'grazing'. Are these streets near the river?
Our bedroom is haunted by something new.
nice use of 'haunted', but it would help is you said
what it was, rather than 'something new'
We watch bad tv shows and get bit by ants
all across our hands.
I think this is a strong image, but not written
as well as you might. 'bad tv shows' doesn't say
much, and why only 'hands' ?
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
(should it be 'our mom'?)
I pray we don’t die on this empty highway.
I don’t to become folklore. After our death all
the teenagers will tell their little brothers about us to
scare them into crying.
You might consider rewriting for emphasis, as in:
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
[that] we don’t die on this empty highway,
[that we] don’t to become folklore.
[that] teenagers [don't use us
to] scare their little brothers into crying.
It’s always almost something here.
I was almost state champion, could’ve been.
He almost died last week.
We almost got out of here, y’know.
Good ending, though I think you need to replace
the 'I' in the state champion line, either with 'she'
or better still given him/her names (and cut 'could've been')
Also, maybe add a line or two about the town (given
that it's in the title), rather than only the people.
Was a plant 'almost built', a 'mall almost opened',
that kind of thing.
Best, Knot.
enjoyed the read.
Laredo, Texas.
It always feels like sunday here.
That slow air so hot you can’t even think.
Good start (capital S for Sunday)
All the hotels are empty save for lost families
and cheating husbands.
the whole verse is a good set-up.
You might want to consider smoothing it out,
for instance:
It always feels like Sunday here.
[The] slow air so hot you can’t even think
and [every] hotel empty, [except for the]lost
families and cheating husbands.
We hide from la llorona, her horrific grieving
(Capitals for a name). 'her horrific grieving'
isn't telling me anything. In what way 'horrific'?
Also, it is implicit in the legend, so you don't really
need to repeat it.
body grazing the night fed streets like the slowest fire.
don't follow 'grazing'. Are these streets near the river?
Our bedroom is haunted by something new.
nice use of 'haunted', but it would help is you said
what it was, rather than 'something new'
We watch bad tv shows and get bit by ants
all across our hands.
I think this is a strong image, but not written
as well as you might. 'bad tv shows' doesn't say
much, and why only 'hands' ?
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
(should it be 'our mom'?)
I pray we don’t die on this empty highway.
I don’t to become folklore. After our death all
the teenagers will tell their little brothers about us to
scare them into crying.
You might consider rewriting for emphasis, as in:
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
[that] we don’t die on this empty highway,
[that we] don’t to become folklore.
[that] teenagers [don't use us
to] scare their little brothers into crying.
It’s always almost something here.
I was almost state champion, could’ve been.
He almost died last week.
We almost got out of here, y’know.
Good ending, though I think you need to replace
the 'I' in the state champion line, either with 'she'
or better still given him/her names (and cut 'could've been')
Also, maybe add a line or two about the town (given
that it's in the title), rather than only the people.
Was a plant 'almost built', a 'mall almost opened',
that kind of thing.
Best, Knot.