06-10-2018, 12:53 AM
Hi Radetof.
Going in the right direction, I think.
Edit #1
Pradeshi Police
Insensate, the daroga
'insensate', it works, but seems
odd. Would 'incensed' serve?
railed at the autowallah.
Mammoth blows
his lathi squealing
'squealing', still not there yet.
(had seen much practice)
landing on the poor man's back
Have you considered something like,
His lathi squealing
mammoth blows landing
on the poor man's back
with a precision born of practice.
(Just to get rid of the parentheses)?
“How dare you talk back?
You motherfucker!”
I watched on, impotent,
(was it a hot night?)
followed them to the police station.
I think you could add a little bit here
describing how N followed them
(reluctantly, sluggishly, determinedly...?)
The false ember I felt in my chest faded
You don't elaborate 'false ember', so why not
simply 'my courage deserted me...'?
when the drunk shitheel threatened me
(Just for clarity, I'd add suggest
when the dagora, that drunk shitheel, threatened me
[spat] “Fuck you, you fancy dandy!
Getting off to get fucking food packed,
piece of shit.”
I could barely open my mouth
(Think you need 'So I could...)
while trying to complain about his behavior
and could not bring myself say his name.
still seems to lack a bit. Why couldn't N name him?
The inspector at the counter told me to fuck off.
Outside, a few policemen surrounded a man
crying, laughing, demanding to be let off
"Harmless drunk fucker."
A few punches later, his voice died down.
Still not adding anything to the main story.
The daroga claimed the auto was stolen.
Ok, good detail, explains much. Now,
to whom was he speaking?
"It's a friend's auto, sir, let me just call him,"
Shouldn't this sentence start with a denial?
said the autowallah, blows landing on his face
I think you need to describe the blows. Presumably
the daroga isn't using the lathi?
"He has all the papers-"
"I'll strip the hide off your back!"
Is the daroga still drunk, is his speech slurred,
is he getting tired with all the physical exertion?
(Would it still work it you moved S4 (I could barely...) to here? )
The autowallah told me to leave;
There's clearly something missing between
the preceding verse and this. (Also, the crying
in a corner was a good detail)
it was okay
his friends were on their way.
You've been quoting speech up to here, why stop?
I wished a good night to the daroga and his brats
How? Politely, defiantly...?
and gave him the finger when he turned away.
better for the explanation
I couldn't sleep that night.
A few days later, I met the autowallah
he looked like shit but seemed triumphant.
I asked him about how he got out.
“The fucker knew who my friends were
ok, but I don't. Who are they that they had power?
and still hit me. Took him to court yesterday,
the fucker apologized. Got to slap him around for a bit after.”
why did D apologise? Who made him?
He laughed.
Maybe a little more than 'he laughed'.
The sound of it, was he miming slapping D, had he lost any teeth?
Best, Knot.
Going in the right direction, I think.
Edit #1
Pradeshi Police
Insensate, the daroga
'insensate', it works, but seems
odd. Would 'incensed' serve?
railed at the autowallah.
Mammoth blows
his lathi squealing
'squealing', still not there yet.
(had seen much practice)
landing on the poor man's back
Have you considered something like,
His lathi squealing
mammoth blows landing
on the poor man's back
with a precision born of practice.
(Just to get rid of the parentheses)?
“How dare you talk back?
You motherfucker!”
I watched on, impotent,
(was it a hot night?)
followed them to the police station.
I think you could add a little bit here
describing how N followed them
(reluctantly, sluggishly, determinedly...?)
The false ember I felt in my chest faded
You don't elaborate 'false ember', so why not
simply 'my courage deserted me...'?
when the drunk shitheel threatened me
(Just for clarity, I'd add suggest
when the dagora, that drunk shitheel, threatened me
[spat] “Fuck you, you fancy dandy!
Getting off to get fucking food packed,
piece of shit.”
I could barely open my mouth
(Think you need 'So I could...)
while trying to complain about his behavior
and could not bring myself say his name.
still seems to lack a bit. Why couldn't N name him?
The inspector at the counter told me to fuck off.
Outside, a few policemen surrounded a man
crying, laughing, demanding to be let off
"Harmless drunk fucker."
A few punches later, his voice died down.
Still not adding anything to the main story.
The daroga claimed the auto was stolen.
Ok, good detail, explains much. Now,
to whom was he speaking?
"It's a friend's auto, sir, let me just call him,"
Shouldn't this sentence start with a denial?
said the autowallah, blows landing on his face
I think you need to describe the blows. Presumably
the daroga isn't using the lathi?
"He has all the papers-"
"I'll strip the hide off your back!"
Is the daroga still drunk, is his speech slurred,
is he getting tired with all the physical exertion?
(Would it still work it you moved S4 (I could barely...) to here? )
The autowallah told me to leave;
There's clearly something missing between
the preceding verse and this. (Also, the crying
in a corner was a good detail)
it was okay
his friends were on their way.
You've been quoting speech up to here, why stop?
I wished a good night to the daroga and his brats
How? Politely, defiantly...?
and gave him the finger when he turned away.
better for the explanation
I couldn't sleep that night.
A few days later, I met the autowallah
he looked like shit but seemed triumphant.
I asked him about how he got out.
“The fucker knew who my friends were
ok, but I don't. Who are they that they had power?
and still hit me. Took him to court yesterday,
the fucker apologized. Got to slap him around for a bit after.”
why did D apologise? Who made him?
He laughed.
Maybe a little more than 'he laughed'.
The sound of it, was he miming slapping D, had he lost any teeth?
Best, Knot.