06-06-2018, 08:52 AM
(05-31-2018, 11:17 AM)Richard Wrote: Your Favorite Mugi think the title is a little childish / uninspiring but it works, i guess. this entire poem reminds me of a japanese concept called kintsukuroi, or fixing cracks such as these by filling in them w/ gold. the ending is my favorite part, there is something intriguing about fixing a favorite thing but not all the way, as if intending some type of petty revenge. not sure if thats where you were headed, however. enjoyed the read, do continue.
It landed on the floor
like a fat skull.--fat skull, hmm? had to think about that for a second, since to me, a skull is inherently devoid of fat.
The pieces large enough
that I could glue them-
fixed,--weak on its own, I think. maybe bring it up to the previous line, so reading, [that I could glue them- fixed-]
but with subtle cracks--could do better than subtle. maybe pale? delicate? gauzy? just the feeling I get.
you would always know were there.--perhaps insert [so that] at the beginning of this line.

