05-31-2018, 04:01 AM
Hi Radetof.Yahska
Pradeshi Police
I don't think this is the best title,
personally I'd be tempted by 'The Daroga'
or 'His crime'
Foaming at the mouth, the daroga
Agree with duke that 'foaming at the mouth'
is rather weak. Lacks detail; bubbles, flecks, grains etc.
railed at the autowallah
(in what language?)
no-holds-barred.
you don't need 'no-holds-barred'
(railed and thrashing take care of it)
A thrashing;
lashing out with all his strength
his lathi flicking through the air expertly
had to look 'lathi' up; is 'flicking' the right word?
has seen much practice
this is implied by 'expertly'
landing on the poor man’s back
The ambiguity of this sentence is very good
(one poor man, or all the poor men).
I agree with you, you need to make this more visceral.
“How dare you talk back?
You motherfucker!”
excellent end to the verse
I think this is your strongest verse,
needs polishing though.
I watched on, impotent,
while an innocent man got the shit beaten out of him
because I asked him to park next to a drunk policeman
while I got some food packed for myself.
His crime - complaining about the ticket a little too loudly.
Apart from the first line (which would make an interesting
opening), I'm not sure that this verse adds anything.
The false warmth I felt in my chest
agree with duke about 'warmth'
deserted me when at the police station
you could describe the police station a bit more, I think.
the drunk shitheel threatened me
second use of 'drunk', could you not describe rather
than simply state?
“Fuck you, you fancy dandy!
Getting off to get fucking food packed,
piece of shit.”
excellent.
I could barely open my mouth
and could not bring myself say his name
this seems to be the same thing, said twice.
while trying to complain about his behaviour.
perhaps swap the order of these two lines (above)
The policemen at the counter asked me to fuck off.
the contrast of these two lines is good.
asked?
Outside, a drunken man taken off the streets threatened to kill himself
while twenty policemen and the bastard daroga surrounded him and laughed
“Harmless drunk fucker!”
A friend tried to calm the drunk man down
So he wouldn’t get his face caved in.
I don't think you need this, it doesn't add much to the main story
(and the introduction of another character is distracting)
it also seems unfinished. Did he get his face 'caved in'?
The autowallah was crying in a corner;
the bastard had impounded his auto
and told him to get ready for a night of brutal beatings.
He asked me to leave and told me his friends were on the way.
the phrasing here is awkward, I think, and the significance of
'friends' needs to be established at some point.
(Did the autowallah ask N to leave, or tell N not to stay?)
I wished a good night to the daroga and his brats,
bravely?
and gave him the finger because he deserved it.
where it could be seen?
I couldn't sleep that night.
Seven days later, I met the autowallah,
'seven days' is both awkward and oddly precise.
He looked like shit but seemed triumphant.
When asked about how he got out,
who asked him?
He said, “The fucker knew who my friends were
and still hit me. Took him to court yesterday,
the fucker apologized. Got to slap him around for a bit after.”
He laughed.
I wish I never got on the auto that night.
Not sure you need anything after 'laughed'
but repeating 'I couldn't sleep...' would be
better than this line.
Lots to like here, Personally I'd want to see a more
closely observed/drawn portrait of the daroga
(physical description at the very least). Make him
the star.
Best, Knot.
Pradeshi Police
I don't think this is the best title,
personally I'd be tempted by 'The Daroga'
or 'His crime'
Foaming at the mouth, the daroga
Agree with duke that 'foaming at the mouth'
is rather weak. Lacks detail; bubbles, flecks, grains etc.
railed at the autowallah
(in what language?)
no-holds-barred.
you don't need 'no-holds-barred'
(railed and thrashing take care of it)
A thrashing;
lashing out with all his strength
his lathi flicking through the air expertly
had to look 'lathi' up; is 'flicking' the right word?
has seen much practice
this is implied by 'expertly'
landing on the poor man’s back
The ambiguity of this sentence is very good
(one poor man, or all the poor men).
I agree with you, you need to make this more visceral.
“How dare you talk back?
You motherfucker!”
excellent end to the verse
I think this is your strongest verse,
needs polishing though.
I watched on, impotent,
while an innocent man got the shit beaten out of him
because I asked him to park next to a drunk policeman
while I got some food packed for myself.
His crime - complaining about the ticket a little too loudly.
Apart from the first line (which would make an interesting
opening), I'm not sure that this verse adds anything.
The false warmth I felt in my chest
agree with duke about 'warmth'
deserted me when at the police station
you could describe the police station a bit more, I think.
the drunk shitheel threatened me
second use of 'drunk', could you not describe rather
than simply state?
“Fuck you, you fancy dandy!
Getting off to get fucking food packed,
piece of shit.”
excellent.
I could barely open my mouth
and could not bring myself say his name
this seems to be the same thing, said twice.
while trying to complain about his behaviour.
perhaps swap the order of these two lines (above)
The policemen at the counter asked me to fuck off.
the contrast of these two lines is good.
asked?
Outside, a drunken man taken off the streets threatened to kill himself
while twenty policemen and the bastard daroga surrounded him and laughed
“Harmless drunk fucker!”
A friend tried to calm the drunk man down
So he wouldn’t get his face caved in.
I don't think you need this, it doesn't add much to the main story
(and the introduction of another character is distracting)
it also seems unfinished. Did he get his face 'caved in'?
The autowallah was crying in a corner;
the bastard had impounded his auto
and told him to get ready for a night of brutal beatings.
He asked me to leave and told me his friends were on the way.
the phrasing here is awkward, I think, and the significance of
'friends' needs to be established at some point.
(Did the autowallah ask N to leave, or tell N not to stay?)
I wished a good night to the daroga and his brats,
bravely?
and gave him the finger because he deserved it.
where it could be seen?
I couldn't sleep that night.
Seven days later, I met the autowallah,
'seven days' is both awkward and oddly precise.
He looked like shit but seemed triumphant.
When asked about how he got out,
who asked him?
He said, “The fucker knew who my friends were
and still hit me. Took him to court yesterday,
the fucker apologized. Got to slap him around for a bit after.”
He laughed.
I wish I never got on the auto that night.
Not sure you need anything after 'laughed'
but repeating 'I couldn't sleep...' would be
better than this line.
Lots to like here, Personally I'd want to see a more
closely observed/drawn portrait of the daroga
(physical description at the very least). Make him
the star.
Best, Knot.