05-30-2018, 03:55 PM
Hi duke,
Thanks for the critique. I added the last line as an afterthought, and yes, it does seem unnecessary. Also, as pointed out, warmth is not the best word to be used there, heat is in fact closer to what I was looking for. I will need to have a look at the opening stanza again, your feedback helped me see a few things - I'd abandoned this for a long while before finishing it yesterday because I thought it was no good, so I think the opening does need some work.
I'm still struggling with some parts which I can't express properly and so haven't mentioned, like the sticky sound of a lathi hitting a man's wet back, and horrific impotent anger that brought visions of death, which is why sleep was impossible that night. I'll work on this some more, thank you.
Thanks for the critique. I added the last line as an afterthought, and yes, it does seem unnecessary. Also, as pointed out, warmth is not the best word to be used there, heat is in fact closer to what I was looking for. I will need to have a look at the opening stanza again, your feedback helped me see a few things - I'd abandoned this for a long while before finishing it yesterday because I thought it was no good, so I think the opening does need some work.
I'm still struggling with some parts which I can't express properly and so haven't mentioned, like the sticky sound of a lathi hitting a man's wet back, and horrific impotent anger that brought visions of death, which is why sleep was impossible that night. I'll work on this some more, thank you.
The Chronicles of Lethargia