Pradeshi Police
#2
(05-29-2018, 07:17 PM)Radetof.Yahska Wrote:  Foaming at the mouth, the daroga  Is this a little overstated?  I can see the drunk spitting and some drool on his face, but not actually foaming.  It sets the tone well, though.
railed at the autowallah
no-holds-barred.  Bit of a cliche, perhaps something more unusual here.  And "no-holds-barred" implies both are fighting when the autowallah is merely taking it (I know, the fight is verbal, but still one-sided).
A thrashing;
lashing out with all his strength
his lathi flicking through the air expertly  this line could use a couple of commas despite the work's general (and effective) lack of them
has seen much practice
landing on the poor man’s back
“How dare you talk back?
You motherfucker!”
 
I watched on, impotent,
while an innocent man got the shit beaten out of him
because I asked him to park next to a drunk policeman
while I got some food packed for myself.  "food packed" is the only cultural reference here that I didn't get immediately
His crime - complaining about the ticket a little too loudly.
 
The false warmth I felt in my chest "warmth" doesn't seem quite the right word here - "heat," perhaps, or another term implying (false) courage rather than sympathy?
deserted me when at the police station
the drunk shitheel threatened me
“Fuck you, you fancy dandy!
Getting off to get fucking food packed,
piece of shit.”  Use of "shit[heel]" is excellent here, placing viewpoint and abusive daroga on the same level, used by both
I could barely open my mouth
and could not bring myself say his name
while trying to complain about his behavior.
The policemen at the counter asked me to fuck off.
 
Outside, a drunken man taken off the streets threatened to kill himself
while twenty policemen and the bastard daroga surrounded him and laughed
“Harmless drunk fucker!”
A friend tried to calm the drunk man down
So he wouldn’t get his face caved in.
 
The autowallah was crying in a corner;
the bastard had impounded his auto
and told him to get ready for a night of brutal beatings.
He asked me to leave and told me his friends were on the way.
I wished a good night to the daroga and his brats,
and gave him the finger because he deserved it.
I couldn't sleep that night.  Perfect reaction to one's own unsatisfactory behavior.  This is the crux of the poem:  corruption exists because good people are afraid to tackle it.
 
Seven days later, I met the autowallah,
He looked like shit but seemed triumphant.  That word again... presaging his becoming a sinner as well.
When asked about how he got out,
He said, “The fucker knew who my friends were
and still hit me. Took him to court yesterday,
the fucker apologized. Got to slap him around for a bit after.”
He laughed.  Wish there were a way to make this revenge seem even emptier, but this draws the circle well enough to be going on with.
 
I wish I never got on the auto that night.  Not sure this line is necessary.  The poem might bite sharper ending with "He laughed."
This one is difficult to critique because it's so true and well expressed:  corruption is universal, though it manifests in different ways and magnitudes.  However, to work.

In mild to moderate critique, please take the above as observations and suggestions rather than demands for change.  Overall, there is a tension between the viewpoint character's presence and the incidents described:  the title tells us the poem's subject (I would say, corruption) but the viewpoint character is an honest foil to it.  I think the balance between describing the action and describing his reactions to it is good, though (as noted)  it might leave an even more bitter taste in the reader's mouth without the last line.

This is an admirable work on a difficult subject.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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Messages In This Thread
Pradeshi Police - by Radetof.Yahska - 05-29-2018, 07:17 PM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by dukealien - 05-30-2018, 10:15 AM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by Radetof.Yahska - 05-30-2018, 03:55 PM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by Knot - 05-31-2018, 04:01 AM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by Radetof.Yahska - 06-09-2018, 05:59 AM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by Knot - 06-10-2018, 12:53 AM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by billy - 06-29-2019, 11:42 AM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by churinga - 07-09-2019, 09:52 AM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by Radetof.Yahska - 10-08-2020, 07:27 AM
RE: Pradeshi Police - by Knot - 10-08-2020, 08:27 PM



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