Sober Phobia

[Knot]

Hi Wildcard.

Sober Phobia
The title's a bit glib, I think
(on re-reading).

I
They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak lasts.
Like this, but it could go almost anywhere in the piece,
(preferably at the end).  I don't think it makes the best start.
This, from the original, might;
A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.
(though it needs a better third line
and perhaps 'dawn' for 'hope' ?)

II
I think you could break this more effectively as;
She needed a bracer. Damn[,]
a day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.
('needs' for 'needed')

The children have ascended
into chutes and water slides—
not sure about 'into' (particularly as it's repeated)
into heaven really,
I think you could cut 'really'
but she plops down
'plops' doesn't work that well
(after 'ascended'). It's neither heavy
nor weary enough.
at a picnic table
in Hell.
nice end

III
All the negatives clump
feels like there should be a modifier
to 'negatives' ('screaming', 'fucking' or similar ?)
together like clinging bits
'clinging bits' after 'clump' is rather weak,
why not just 'iron filings'?
on a magnet...
glaring at the hopeful others.
this lines lacks a bit of focus, I think.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.
needs a bit more here, I think.
Either more people, or an explanation.

Someone toddles up
to ask for more sunscreen
...familiar little guy.
nice.

IV
The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
just a suggestion:
The heat is worse

with a dry mouth, worse,
her head is bursting
from the late night
and the bright day.
needs just a bit more than
bright, I think.

V
The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.
seems like there's a line missing.

VI
Everyone accounted for—

Almost. Someone
is touching
'touching' doesn't do enough,
given what follows.
someone. Barely pays attention
Either 'she barely pays...'
or 'she's barely paying...'
to whom she struck.

I think V should be moved to here.

[VII]
A cupboard; a glass;
a freezer; a bottle; and
cut 'and'
a searing epiphany
do you need 'searing'
(if not, keep 'and')
that this is the only time
cut 'that'
she feels alive.
(I'd be tempted to cut 'alive'
and have an ellipsis instead.)


I'd end with I


Enjoyed the read.


Best, Knot.