Immigration

[Knot]

Hi Mark.
Nice vignette, clever title.
The idea is sound but, overall,
it's a bit flat. As Richard
has noted, it is lacking in those
(little) details, mainly visual,
that would elevate it.


Immigration

Dawn reveals faint shapes
I think there should be so much more
to this opening - a fuller description
of the 'dawn' and something more
concrete than 'shapes'.
Even changing 'reveals' for something
like 'sketches' would help.
at the fringes
of the eastern horizon.
Perplexed fishermen gesture
All show, no tell.
from wind-worn dunes
I've no problems with this line
(I took it to suggest they'd been
there a long time)
toward the wooden crosses
laced with rope, raised
nice couplet
upon strange boats
'strange boats' is pretty bad.
(could try 'craft' ?)
that hover off the coast.
'hover' is not good, perhaps
a verb that refers back to
the opening lines?

A new God has come
Not bothered by 'new' here
(except that you repeat it in the last line),
though I'd be inclined to substitute 'foreign'
(or even 'immigrant').
to claim discovery
'claim discovery' is rather weak.
(the 'discovery', rather than the 'claim')
and doesn't really refer to the title
as (I think) this line should.
of a New World…
(Perhaps it should be 'this New World'?)


Best, Knot.