First Edit: Natural Temptation

[Knot]

Hey Richard.

Improved, but...I don't think it flows as well
as it should (more so in S1 than S2),
with the contrast between the short 'fragment's
and the longer sentences being a distraction,
rather than a help.

I promised to hold your hand until the end,
both of us entering a dark forest:
perhaps something like
now both of us are entering...
birches clothed in moonlight,
their shine angelic, until
I think you could cut 'until'
(though the whole line
doesn't add much to the
previous one - an additional
element of the forest would
be better, I think. Perhaps
describe the path itself?)
clouds dim the pines,
dark as your saddest dress.
you've still got the repetition of 'dark'.

Soon, I'll have to carry you to the other side,
my steps will count as two, but no one
perhaps;
each of my steps will count...
(the you/two rhyme is a bit strong, I think)
keeps a ledger of such things;
the same is true for the number of times
? nor do they know the number... ?
I've considered letting go.


Just a thought about the title, 'Burden(s)' ?
(as Ryan noted)

Best, Knot.