05-07-2018, 11:43 PM
Firstly, great title
(though there seems to be some dispute about whether he was engaged
in Russian roulette. Also Google has him as 'Johnny Ace')
I like all the individual parts of this RC, but, for me, they don't add up.
I know there's a narrative here, but I think you're keeping it to yourself.
Memories being triggered by a song, ok, yet it just doesn't flow properly.
I really like the opening, great image, want more of that story, but it
doesn't seem to go anywhere, and I can't relate it to the rest of the piece.
S1 - repetition of 'lowriders',
and L6/7 are just defining a term already used twice.
Would suggest;
baseball caps pointed backwards
across [the] Texas plains
S2 - would flow better as two long lines, I think
Four old ranchers stand in a circle, telling stories[,]
and laughing as dusk moves in over the palisade.
S3/4 - cut into two parts:
Below, along the river bed, cottonwoods huddle and shiver together
in the evening breeze.
(this connects to S2, not to what follows, I think)
The high-pitched crooning voice of Hank Williams
comes out of the radio speakers like a preacher’s.
'voice' and 'high-pitched' don't work very well,
and I think this needs more detail.
S5 - like the first three lines, the rest I find confusing.
It doesn't seem to fit either Hank Williams or Johnny Ace.
S6 - again, like the first three lines, but I don't think there's enough
detail, and has N been here all along? To me this seems like the
opening verse.
'exploratory' is a bit weak.
S7 - This stutters a bit, the lines don't flow,
(but the story is fascinating).
Maybe;
Backstage, [between sets] at Huston's Rock Jubilee
Johnny Ace put a pistol to his head.
Pledging My love was still fading away, he said
[if you know what the final chord of the song is, use it]
"It's ok. Guns not loaded see" and...
S8 - just an issue with line lengths, for me.
(Though you've 'voice' again, as in S3)
Hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.
(though there seems to be some dispute about whether he was engaged
in Russian roulette. Also Google has him as 'Johnny Ace')
I like all the individual parts of this RC, but, for me, they don't add up.
I know there's a narrative here, but I think you're keeping it to yourself.
Memories being triggered by a song, ok, yet it just doesn't flow properly.
I really like the opening, great image, want more of that story, but it
doesn't seem to go anywhere, and I can't relate it to the rest of the piece.
S1 - repetition of 'lowriders',
and L6/7 are just defining a term already used twice.
Would suggest;
baseball caps pointed backwards
across [the] Texas plains
S2 - would flow better as two long lines, I think
Four old ranchers stand in a circle, telling stories[,]
and laughing as dusk moves in over the palisade.
S3/4 - cut into two parts:
Below, along the river bed, cottonwoods huddle and shiver together
in the evening breeze.
(this connects to S2, not to what follows, I think)
The high-pitched crooning voice of Hank Williams
comes out of the radio speakers like a preacher’s.
'voice' and 'high-pitched' don't work very well,
and I think this needs more detail.
S5 - like the first three lines, the rest I find confusing.
It doesn't seem to fit either Hank Williams or Johnny Ace.
S6 - again, like the first three lines, but I don't think there's enough
detail, and has N been here all along? To me this seems like the
opening verse.
'exploratory' is a bit weak.
S7 - This stutters a bit, the lines don't flow,
(but the story is fascinating).
Maybe;
Backstage, [between sets] at Huston's Rock Jubilee
Johnny Ace put a pistol to his head.
Pledging My love was still fading away, he said
[if you know what the final chord of the song is, use it]
"It's ok. Guns not loaded see" and...
S8 - just an issue with line lengths, for me.
(Though you've 'voice' again, as in S3)
Hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.