05-05-2018, 09:42 AM
Hey Cassiopeia88,
I like some of the questions you're asking here, and I also like where this could lead. I do have some thoughts though:
Cheers,
Richard
I like some of the questions you're asking here, and I also like where this could lead. I do have some thoughts though:
(04-24-2018, 10:45 PM)Cassiopeia88 Wrote: Who says that leaves are greenI do like what you're doing here, so I hope I wasn't too negative. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Or sky is blue?
Who says that days are always light
Or night is immanently dark?
Who says what anything is really like? -I would suggest cutting this line because this seems to me to be the whole crux of the poem. Personally, I think you imply this with your questions, and don't need to say it directly.
Who says I have to be like you?
Who says you have to be like me?
For your green may be my blue
My light may not be light for you-Where the rest of the poem has been questions, you're adding extra emphasis here once you switch to a statement. My suggestion would be to cut the last two lines of this stanza and have the third line read as: "For my colors change as seasons ago."
… and my colors change as seasons go.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.

