05-05-2018, 03:54 AM
Hi danny.
I'd suggest breaking this down
into three-line verses.
Little waves nudged our thighs:
'Don't go yet,' as we stepped nearer shore,
I assume the quote is attributed to the waves,
but this isn't really clear.
Perhaps;
As we stepped nearer the shore,
little waves nudged our thighs -
"Don't go yet."
water draining off our bodies,
down your smooth legs, orange
from the fiery melting-wax sunset,
'draining' and 'smooth' are rather weak,
you might consider making more use
of the 'melting-wax sunset'
and we slipped over the dunes
on trails through sea-oats,
our feet patting the soft sand;
'slipped' and 'patting' don't
work that well together
we were purple-blue behind,
facing the light.
cut this or add to it.
(Why purple when orange before?)
We found a sun-burnt beach shack
nobody was renting,
pulled open a little wood door
on a rusty spring. We hid inside
from the full and silver sand dollar
moon rising, honored by its own reflection.
not much happening here.
why 'hid'?
Moon as sea urchin is interesting, but not developed.
We watched it through the gap
in the walls of the outdoor shower
perfectly too small for both of us;
it's taken quite a long time
to get to the meat of this piece.
'perfectly too small' is a nice line.
it drew a glowing line vertically
through the steam,
from your ankle to your cheek -
'drew' is weak, where's the sensuality?
If you're still going with sand dollar,
then wouldn't 'dragged' work
(like it's tracks in sand)?
Does the shack have hot water?
it knew we were there
but said nothing,
so that we might hide, so warm
why anthropomorphise the moon?
It adds nothing.
in enveloping fog
and
first embrace.
Watching the scene from the shower is a good idea,
but it's rather lost in this piece. Try starting with it
and relating everything back to it, the strictly linear
narrative is more hindrance than help, I think.
Best, Knot.
I'd suggest breaking this down
into three-line verses.
Little waves nudged our thighs:
'Don't go yet,' as we stepped nearer shore,
I assume the quote is attributed to the waves,
but this isn't really clear.
Perhaps;
As we stepped nearer the shore,
little waves nudged our thighs -
"Don't go yet."
water draining off our bodies,
down your smooth legs, orange
from the fiery melting-wax sunset,
'draining' and 'smooth' are rather weak,
you might consider making more use
of the 'melting-wax sunset'
and we slipped over the dunes
on trails through sea-oats,
our feet patting the soft sand;
'slipped' and 'patting' don't
work that well together
we were purple-blue behind,
facing the light.
cut this or add to it.
(Why purple when orange before?)
We found a sun-burnt beach shack
nobody was renting,
pulled open a little wood door
on a rusty spring. We hid inside
from the full and silver sand dollar
moon rising, honored by its own reflection.
not much happening here.
why 'hid'?
Moon as sea urchin is interesting, but not developed.
We watched it through the gap
in the walls of the outdoor shower
perfectly too small for both of us;
it's taken quite a long time
to get to the meat of this piece.
'perfectly too small' is a nice line.
it drew a glowing line vertically
through the steam,
from your ankle to your cheek -
'drew' is weak, where's the sensuality?
If you're still going with sand dollar,
then wouldn't 'dragged' work
(like it's tracks in sand)?
Does the shack have hot water?
it knew we were there
but said nothing,
so that we might hide, so warm
why anthropomorphise the moon?
It adds nothing.
in enveloping fog
and
first embrace.
Watching the scene from the shower is a good idea,
but it's rather lost in this piece. Try starting with it
and relating everything back to it, the strictly linear
narrative is more hindrance than help, I think.
Best, Knot.