First Edit: My Apologies

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
yes, I think you're going in the right direction,
but perhaps not far enough
I think you might consider breaking the piece
up into four verses of equal length. As it stands
the 'father's bed' section is both the strongest and
the longest and I think this unbalances the piece.
Adding more detail, especially to 'first kiss' would
resolve the ambiguity that this is the first kiss with
N's child.
Couple or three specific suggestions;
change 'fixated' for 'entranced' or something a bit
more poetic.
add 'Irish' to 'flag' (assuming it was an Irish flag N's
drinking) - offers an implicit 'green' in contrast to 'red'
Maybe 'slipping' for 'tiptoing' (though that's purely
a sonics choice).


Best, Knot.