01-12-2010, 05:52 AM
i think it still comes off as a list, because the image isn't detached enough from the narrator's voice. in this kind of poetry, the image defining, is a kind of aside or immediate reflection, and on a separate plane.
my me,
written on ice:
so frozen.
-- you can see how basically trite the concept is, and that it needs a very evocative image to make the poem work. no one really cares if you have a thought or not, or if it's thinking you into depression... especially if they're reading this 300 years from now. so, why not give them a rich image, one they don't have to pay for by feeling sorry for you?
my thoughts,
clinking on the ice-cold:
butterfly crystals.
my me,
written on ice:
so frozen.
-- you can see how basically trite the concept is, and that it needs a very evocative image to make the poem work. no one really cares if you have a thought or not, or if it's thinking you into depression... especially if they're reading this 300 years from now. so, why not give them a rich image, one they don't have to pay for by feeling sorry for you?
my thoughts,
clinking on the ice-cold:
butterfly crystals.
(01-09-2010, 12:35 PM)srijantje Wrote: My thoughts
written on ice...
Watery grave