04-20-2018, 01:35 AM
The sounds of footsteps echo in the night - I think "sound" might sound better
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor - perhaps just say "clanking fast against the marble floor"
A heart beat thumps out of control - "thumps" doesn't make the sentence sound right, try a different word
Eyes scanning for an open door
A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it - if you remove "around it" and just have "a shivered cold breath mixes in the air", it makes this sentence and the next sentence sound better.
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
laying goosebumps on all in its sight
"come out come out where ever you are" - I would change this..
A voice so stern and steal shouts - steel?
A dark shadow looms over the room
Blocking the only way out
She plays through her head what she can do - maybe switch this sentence around and turn it into a question and then revise the rest of this stanza.
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead - I would remove "just"
or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this - I would remove the "just maybe"
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay -* tries / "get out okay" needs some revision. try stronger wording.
Just as long as she never stops - remove "just as long" and change it to something else
The only problem is facing this fear
Tho its the only solution with hope
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop - I would revise this whole stanza. make it stronger. really focus on the problem at hand and how hard it will be to get through it.
Thunder claps in the sky above
pulling her from her thoughts - perhaps use a stronger word than "pulling"
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree
causing her eyes to see dots
The light conceals the dark around it - around what?
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day - this sentence needs revision... it just doesn't flow
as the shadows dance in the gloom - also, this is kind of unnecessary
Heat spreads as fast as fire
Making the heart beat faster still
Sweat beads drip off two faces
As one darts for the kill
A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire
A pool of blood drips to the floor
The body falls in a crumble
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble
She didn't pick this path it was picked for her - comma between "path" and "it"
It was a choice she had rather not made "a choice she would have rather not made" maybe?
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved
This poem has potential, but it's somewhat confusing to read and you need to expand more on certain parts and delete others. Choose what you want to focus on and don't expand on unnecessary parts. Good luck!
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor - perhaps just say "clanking fast against the marble floor"
A heart beat thumps out of control - "thumps" doesn't make the sentence sound right, try a different word
Eyes scanning for an open door
A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it - if you remove "around it" and just have "a shivered cold breath mixes in the air", it makes this sentence and the next sentence sound better.
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
laying goosebumps on all in its sight
"come out come out where ever you are" - I would change this..
A voice so stern and steal shouts - steel?
A dark shadow looms over the room
Blocking the only way out
She plays through her head what she can do - maybe switch this sentence around and turn it into a question and then revise the rest of this stanza.
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead - I would remove "just"
or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this - I would remove the "just maybe"
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay -* tries / "get out okay" needs some revision. try stronger wording.
Just as long as she never stops - remove "just as long" and change it to something else
The only problem is facing this fear
Tho its the only solution with hope
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop - I would revise this whole stanza. make it stronger. really focus on the problem at hand and how hard it will be to get through it.
Thunder claps in the sky above
pulling her from her thoughts - perhaps use a stronger word than "pulling"
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree
causing her eyes to see dots
The light conceals the dark around it - around what?
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day - this sentence needs revision... it just doesn't flow
as the shadows dance in the gloom - also, this is kind of unnecessary
Heat spreads as fast as fire
Making the heart beat faster still
Sweat beads drip off two faces
As one darts for the kill
A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire
A pool of blood drips to the floor
The body falls in a crumble
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble
She didn't pick this path it was picked for her - comma between "path" and "it"
It was a choice she had rather not made "a choice she would have rather not made" maybe?
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved
This poem has potential, but it's somewhat confusing to read and you need to expand more on certain parts and delete others. Choose what you want to focus on and don't expand on unnecessary parts. Good luck!