04-19-2018, 02:44 AM
Man, you shredded that thing!
I think you're over stating the case
You knew this was two poems!
The reason I include some stanzas that don't seem related to narrative
is simply for adding to atmosphere, seeing what they see.
But I can't ignore your point.
I don't mind 'adding to the atmosphere', but that N has no reaction to them
makes the seem irrelevant.
Maybe "strewn" is the wrong word, otherwise I feel there's a decent image there.
I agree with you about the decent image.
'Strewn' is problematic, I think because you've described a densely packed beach, whereas
'strewn' connotes 'scattered' (which in turn implies 'space').
My real issue though is with -
'...over blinding white stretches for miles'
over blinding white stretches of what? Sand, shore, coast? Or are beaches referred to as 'stretches'?
If they are, ignore my question.
"Follow me until" can work, S1-L1 doesn't indicate it wasn't that way to begin with.
But 'following' may not be important.
True, but 'we' implies something (a 'togetherness', a 'hand holding') which 'following' does not.
S4 provides a great image for me, although 'audience' may technically be wrong, as you said.
It's about seeing what's happening, like a movie, and doesn't always need a strong purpose
other than imagery that contributes to atmosphere, which contributes to the emotional response
you get as you do when watching any movie about two people spending time together, seeing
what they see.
As above, if N has no 'emotional response' then why should I?
Genuine question. Do you think that given S1 (which is a pretty good description of a crowded 'tourist' beach)
the reader isn't adding these details for themselves?
Best, Knot.
I think you're over stating the case
You knew this was two poems!
The reason I include some stanzas that don't seem related to narrative
is simply for adding to atmosphere, seeing what they see.
But I can't ignore your point.
I don't mind 'adding to the atmosphere', but that N has no reaction to them
makes the seem irrelevant.
Maybe "strewn" is the wrong word, otherwise I feel there's a decent image there.
I agree with you about the decent image.
'Strewn' is problematic, I think because you've described a densely packed beach, whereas
'strewn' connotes 'scattered' (which in turn implies 'space').
My real issue though is with -
'...over blinding white stretches for miles'
over blinding white stretches of what? Sand, shore, coast? Or are beaches referred to as 'stretches'?
If they are, ignore my question.
"Follow me until" can work, S1-L1 doesn't indicate it wasn't that way to begin with.
But 'following' may not be important.
True, but 'we' implies something (a 'togetherness', a 'hand holding') which 'following' does not.
S4 provides a great image for me, although 'audience' may technically be wrong, as you said.
It's about seeing what's happening, like a movie, and doesn't always need a strong purpose
other than imagery that contributes to atmosphere, which contributes to the emotional response
you get as you do when watching any movie about two people spending time together, seeing
what they see.
As above, if N has no 'emotional response' then why should I?
Genuine question. Do you think that given S1 (which is a pretty good description of a crowded 'tourist' beach)
the reader isn't adding these details for themselves?
Best, Knot.