04-19-2018, 02:01 AM
Man, you shredded that thing! Yes I have to agree it's two poems stuck together, in fact they were originally separate. I guess they don't lend to each other like I thought. I'll meditate on it.
The reason I include some stanzas that don't seem related to narrative is simply for adding to atmosphere, seeing what they see. But I can't ignore your point.
Maybe "strewn" is the wrong word, otherwise I feel there's a decent image there.
"Follow me until" can work, S1-L1 doesn't indicate it wasn't that way to begin with. But 'following' may not be important.
S4 provides a great image for me, although 'audience' may technically be wrong, as you said. It's about seeing what's happening, like a movie, and doesn't always need a strong purpose other than imagery that contributes to atmosphere, which contributes to the emotional response you get as you do when watching any movie about two people spending time together, seeing what they see.
I agree with some other points and they will be useful for revision.
Thanks for good crit feedback.
The reason I include some stanzas that don't seem related to narrative is simply for adding to atmosphere, seeing what they see. But I can't ignore your point.
Maybe "strewn" is the wrong word, otherwise I feel there's a decent image there.
"Follow me until" can work, S1-L1 doesn't indicate it wasn't that way to begin with. But 'following' may not be important.
S4 provides a great image for me, although 'audience' may technically be wrong, as you said. It's about seeing what's happening, like a movie, and doesn't always need a strong purpose other than imagery that contributes to atmosphere, which contributes to the emotional response you get as you do when watching any movie about two people spending time together, seeing what they see.
I agree with some other points and they will be useful for revision.
Thanks for good crit feedback.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
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