04-19-2018, 01:13 AM
Hi danny.
The Sea and No Promises
nice title
We wind our way through beach towels
and sun-baked bodies
like a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding
white stretches for miles
You might give some thought to reordering this
(if only to remove 'like') - perhaps'
We wind our way through
sun-baked bodies, beach towels,
a vibrant quilt strewn
over blinding white,
stretches for miles.
There's definitely something odd with
'strewn over blinding white stretches for miles'
In short skirts and sunglasses, finer ladies
trot the boardwalk, not dressed for swim,
not interested in messy sand,
but only to be further spoiled, by the view -
Can't see the purpose of this verse.
You go from 'sand' (S1) to 'board-walk' (S2)
then back to 'sea' (S3).
the green-apple sea.
this really needs to follow from S1/L4
(with minor modifications for flow)
You follow me until
this doesn't make sense in the context
of S1/L1
our feet begin to sink in the wet;
the sun hot on our backs,
This isn't doing much. Walking on the beach
and heat are already established. This is
essentially repetition.
we both dive in.
From a floating laughter we behold
our preoccupied audience,
so colorful and widely spread,
and the climbs beyond -
This too seems to just get in the way.
If they're preoccupied then in what sense are
they an 'audience', and what does it matter?
Like the 'ladies' in S2, these don't play any
further part in the piece.
the great white mountains in the blue.
nice line
My eyes return to you,
gently kicking when a wave rolls through
and your toes can't reach the bottom.
Ok. Let's stop here for a minute.
You can rework the above into a decent
beach/holiday romance scene, the essentials
are there but the final three stanzas are something
entirely different.
My advice is cut them out of this piece and present
them (as they are) as a new poem by themselves (see below).
There's a 'weight' to them that is absent in all the above.
You're hard-working,
The idea is good, the line isn't (too blunt).
from a little shanty beyond the dunes,
always salt in your clothes, hair, and skin,
the 'list' element doesn't work.
and your father mends his nets outside;
but not today.
The distance a boat can take a man
is the reason for whatever is absent
('for whatever is absent', is a bit clunky.
- it should really follow the same phrasing as
'the reason your laugh...')
when you smile,
the reason your laugh is short-lived;
the storms that blow for days and weeks,
the loneliness of an empty home,
(again, too blunt)
his flowers framed in misted window panes
('misted' isn't great)
with no promises.
Just a suggestion:
always salt
the storms that blow for days, weeks,
father mend[ing] his nets outside; flowers
framed in misted window panes,
but not today.
The distance a boat can take a man
is the reason [your smile] ...
the reason your laugh is short-lived.
Best, Knot.
The Sea and No Promises
nice title
We wind our way through beach towels
and sun-baked bodies
like a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding
white stretches for miles
You might give some thought to reordering this
(if only to remove 'like') - perhaps'
We wind our way through
sun-baked bodies, beach towels,
a vibrant quilt strewn
over blinding white,
stretches for miles.
There's definitely something odd with
'strewn over blinding white stretches for miles'
In short skirts and sunglasses, finer ladies
trot the boardwalk, not dressed for swim,
not interested in messy sand,
but only to be further spoiled, by the view -
Can't see the purpose of this verse.
You go from 'sand' (S1) to 'board-walk' (S2)
then back to 'sea' (S3).
the green-apple sea.
this really needs to follow from S1/L4
(with minor modifications for flow)
You follow me until
this doesn't make sense in the context
of S1/L1
our feet begin to sink in the wet;
the sun hot on our backs,
This isn't doing much. Walking on the beach
and heat are already established. This is
essentially repetition.
we both dive in.
From a floating laughter we behold
our preoccupied audience,
so colorful and widely spread,
and the climbs beyond -
This too seems to just get in the way.
If they're preoccupied then in what sense are
they an 'audience', and what does it matter?
Like the 'ladies' in S2, these don't play any
further part in the piece.
the great white mountains in the blue.
nice line
My eyes return to you,
gently kicking when a wave rolls through
and your toes can't reach the bottom.
Ok. Let's stop here for a minute.
You can rework the above into a decent
beach/holiday romance scene, the essentials
are there but the final three stanzas are something
entirely different.
My advice is cut them out of this piece and present
them (as they are) as a new poem by themselves (see below).
There's a 'weight' to them that is absent in all the above.
You're hard-working,
The idea is good, the line isn't (too blunt).
from a little shanty beyond the dunes,
always salt in your clothes, hair, and skin,
the 'list' element doesn't work.
and your father mends his nets outside;
but not today.
The distance a boat can take a man
is the reason for whatever is absent
('for whatever is absent', is a bit clunky.
- it should really follow the same phrasing as
'the reason your laugh...')
when you smile,
the reason your laugh is short-lived;
the storms that blow for days and weeks,
the loneliness of an empty home,
(again, too blunt)
his flowers framed in misted window panes
('misted' isn't great)
with no promises.
Just a suggestion:
always salt
the storms that blow for days, weeks,
father mend[ing] his nets outside; flowers
framed in misted window panes,
but not today.
The distance a boat can take a man
is the reason [your smile] ...
the reason your laugh is short-lived.
Best, Knot.