04-10-2018, 08:28 AM
(04-10-2018, 05:22 AM)Suzruth Wrote: Goodnight in the Cityenjoyed the read, thanks for posting.
The pounding of my heart maybe "in my chest" instead of ".. heart"
and frontal lobe
like my boots on hard black tar,
reaches a rhythm far into the long might cut out "cold" (cos it just sounds a bit cliché) and"long" (since the night does regularly end in the next line)
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day
when I scrape meat from my ribs gives me an image of poverty, i first got the feeling these two lines could have some deeper layer, standing alone as they are. then i thought it´s good as it is, just i don´t fully grasp the weight (not being a mom).
to feed my children.
My guilt is a quilted blanket from the preceding lines i had expected something like "failure" instead of "guilt".
you might leave out "My", there are a lot of "my´s" in the poem already and it´s implied in "placed upon me".
placed upon me by white
supremacists' rage. the blanket is "quilted" which seems to imply there´s more than one aspect. so (like todd also said) i´d either show more aspects or describe this white supremacist rage in terms a bit less obvious/ in some metaphorical way (or maybe you can do a combination of both).
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears. two very poetic lines: the lentils with their (at least to me) subtle allusion to vision aids, and their consequence.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell
like apples not sure if these two lines each need their own, even though it´s easier that way to get the thought that the candles only smell like apples.
and we can read the library book it would seem any book is a library book, i don´t get the meaning.
by the flickering light.
(some of my comments are redundant, but that´s my impression)
...