Goodnight in the City

[Todd]

Hi Suzruth, welcome to the site!

I had some issues with this critique. Mostly because I don't feel like I'm connecting with this. I nearly held back from giving any comment but didn't want to leave this stranded. I hope that any of this will be helpful to you.

Goodnight in the City


The pounding of my heart--This opening feels very uneven to me. The first line especially should grab attention and demand to be read. This first strophe though feels like it meanders and lacks impact. Read each line and try to divorce yourself from your own subtext. "The pounding of my heart" is not the best lead-in. It's very flat. You have to build quickly to keep interest. 
and frontal lobe--This is more interesting because it's unexpected. I can't tell why it deserves its own line though. If you'd like to keep the general structure and have the first line be more interesting than pull this up: "The pounding of my heart and frontal lobe" is more arresting.
like my boots on hard black tar,--You have a lot of similes in the poem. They don't always work well. I think to make this part work though you need to modify the comparison ("like the sound of my boots..." or "like the  clicking of my boots..." if you want something more distinct than sound--which is probably wise). The comparison is to the respective sound not to the boots directly.
reaches a rhythm far into the long--The reaches a rhythm is a bit weak what you want here is not to layer another aspect of sound in but instead you need to introduce a subtle emotional observation into the imagery.
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day--long, cold night feels a bit generic. Without the emotional tie in the pay off doesn't work. I feel that you've used an entire strophe to do what maybe 2 lines might do. Work for greater economy.


when I scrape meat from my ribs
to feed my children.--I found these lines to be more of what I wanted from the opening. This is an arresting and interesting image with a built-in emotional context. I would consider using these lines as your model for the other strophes.

My guilt is a quilted blanket--I like the metaphor. I like the sonic devices and internal rhyming.
placed upon me by white--Not sure about the break on white. It could work but needs a way to give a different but similar sense on the line and then have the break and next line give a slightly different or reversed sense.
supremacists' rage.--I'd rather see you show us something than simply tack on a label. A label while maybe correct does not carry emotional weight. It is abstract. Get something that demonstrates white supremacists' rage and you'll probably be closer to where you need to be.
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.--I don't see how this simile works at all. Swaddling is generally with cloth how would one swaddle like a house? It feels oddly expressed.

Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears.--Again these two lines work well and carry some emotional weight.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell--maybe one line here that reads: "that smells like apples" I don't think the breaks as you have them on these two lines help you.
like apples
and we can read the library book--Why THE library book? Why the significance? A would probably be better though I feel the subtext here is too personal for the reader to access.
by the flickering light.--If you're going to end with something like this, hint at the significance of light near the beginning to give the poem symmetry and closure.

I don't know if that helped any, but I hope it did.

Best,

Todd